My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Thursday
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.