My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
These are my emotional support Pringles.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg