My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
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Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.