My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.