WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Breaking news:
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.