Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
asked my bf how work was today
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3