By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
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I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.