[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
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My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
A leaf blower, but for people.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Not even remotely sorry.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.