A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
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We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further