Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
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Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.