I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
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This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order