At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
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Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
dogs can find happiness so easily
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Tremendous stuff
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
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Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around