[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
me
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.