[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Webb. James Webb.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.