[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
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Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
This was a bad idea all around
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭