Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
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Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*