Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Sounds like a bargain
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
are there any atheist mantises?
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
How to properly lift a body
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
put ‘er there pardner!
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job