I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
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I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
they split up moments later
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.