The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
You Might Also Like
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Saturday
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.