dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
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What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.