Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
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Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Art by Pastelkatto
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot