playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
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I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
ready to be harvested