[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
You Might Also Like
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …