[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
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Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)