Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
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Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?