I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
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You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.