Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
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girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.