A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
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ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.