Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
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Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Chicago sounds lovely.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
What a website
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.