[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
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“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.