me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends