[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Breaking news:
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus