Whoa 😂
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Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
The cashier just checked me out.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009