A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
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Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up