Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
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Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Cake safety first. Always.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.