I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
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My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.