*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
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Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
my retirement plan is braless
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.