It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
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*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural