“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!