If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
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Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about