I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
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[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.