Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
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[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
🚲+physics = winner
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?