[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
You Might Also Like
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
My last name is Zilla.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]