Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
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My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Who called it baking and not making love
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.