This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
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Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Battery falling down a hole
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot