Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
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I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.