I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
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Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real