Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
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Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
adding to the discourse
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.