Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
A choir of Spring onions
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
kitchen magnet
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Ugh but profoundly
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’