i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
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he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
This is so me 😂😂
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road